So, last week sometime, I couldn't sleep. I think Barak woke me up at some point in the very early morning and instead of going back to bed, I just got dressed and went to do some predawn blog reading. I was reading through the archives of a blog I like very much and haven't been reading for that long, and the writer of this blog linked to another blog, and so I started reading that.
Right away, I liked the person who wrote blog #2. She just sounded like someone I would get along with. Same ideas on parenting, same ideas on social justice, same ideas on what's important and what's not, that kind of thing. Similar priorities. I read along for a while, enjoying, and then got to a post that said, "Shana tova! It's Rosh Hashana, so I won't be posting tomorrow." Oh, okay--so, she's Jewish, but not very religious. Traditionally, and according to halacha (Jewish law) Rosh Hashana is two days, but a lot of people only "keep" one. Fine.
I kept reading. And saw another post, about how happy she felt with her kid in shul, knowing that her child would grow up comfortable with those songs, knowing Hebrew, etc. Happy that her kid would grow up knowing that he was a Jew. Nothing amiss here, is there? Nope.
Until I got to the post about how she used to celebrate Christmas. And how her siblings celebrate Christmas. And how her husband, who isn't Jewish, and mother, who isn't Jewish, and her father, who is unaffiliated, celebrate Christmas. And then another post about baking cookies for an oneg at shul. And then about how her own family had just bought a Christmas tree, that she was excited about decorating, and planning for the holidays (meaning, Christmas and New Year's), baking cookies, the rest of it. You know, making the holidays nice for her kids, who are going to grow up identifying as Jews.
Huh?
Please don't misunderstand. I am not the kind of Jew that feels that Torah Judaism is the only kind that has a right to exist under any circumstances. I don't condemn the existence of other streams of Judaism, even though I don't agree with many of their tenets--my feeling is that living according to halacha is hard, and it's better for people to at least stay Jewish so their kids will have a better chance of making tshuva (coming back) than they would if their parents gave up and started going to church. And while I'm not a big fan of mixed marriages, obviously, I think it makes a lot more sense to not be hostile to non-Jewish partners, because that's just dumb. Especially if there are Jewish kids involved. What do you accomplish? You alienate the other parent from Judaism, you give the kids a bad impression of Judaism, you make it highly unlikely that the non-Jewish parent will even think about converting, and highly unlikely that the kids will continue to identify as Jews. Nobody wins here. So I also understand that there are homes in which both Christian and Jewish holidays are celebrated, and while I don't think it's a good idea, I acknowledge that there are many worse alternatives.
Let's be clear. I value other streams of Judaism inasmuch as they succeed in keeping Jews identified as Jews and close to Torah. I don't agree with anyone who says it isn't necessary to keep kosher, Shabbos, or taharas hamishpacha to be a good Jew. I definitely don't have any time for anyone who tries to legitimize the idea that the Torah is somehow a sideline to Judaism. It's not. Keeping Torah is hard, but it's a fundamental part of being a good Jew. Nobody gets it perfectly right, but the essence of being a Jew is... trying.
And this is why I found this blog so... confusing. This person is not Jewish according to halacha. She has no obligation to keep mitzvos, and in fact she doesn't keep them. So far, pretty not Jewish to me. Moreover, she doesn't believe, even in principle, in keeping kosher or taharas hamishpacha. She doesn't keep Shabbos, although it's marked in her home by Friday night being "game night" (a special meal with challah and grape juice was too much work for every week.) Her husband isn't Jewish. Her kids aren't Jewish. Nobody in her home has any obligation to keep the commandments, and they're not keeping them. Nobody in her home has even gone so far as to reject other gods, which, as you may know, is the single biggie in Judaism--you don't acknowledge, pray to, or celebrate any god other than God. So Jesus, Buddha, and the entire Hindu pantheon are, um, out. Entirely.
So what, exactly, is the point here?
One of the things that drew me to the traditional observance of Judaism to begin with was the observation that here, finally, was a worldview that did not even begin to say, "If you're not one of us, you're going to hell." Far from it. In fact, it's one heck of a lot easier to get everything right if you are not--repeat, not--Jewish. Seven commandments instead of six hundred and thirteen. Wear what you want, go to ballgames on Saturday, put all your dishes in the same dishwasher at the same time, have your birthday party at McDonald's. It's all good. You don't lose your olam ha'ba. There is no impetus for non-Jews to convert to Judaism--quite the opposite. It's considered an admirable, but pretty nutty, thing to do.
Everybody who isn't a Jew is a ben Noach--literally, a child of Noah. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A BEN NOACH. If you love Judaism, but don't want to deal with Shabbos every week, it is perfectly fine with everybody, including God. Go learn about the seven laws for b'nai Noach. They're not hard. You can still have game night. You can still have your Christmas tree. You can still make treats for oneg if you want.
Please, my friend, if you love Judaism like you say you do, please just enjoy being a bas Noach. If you don't believe in the Torah, don't think mitzvos matter, and don't think they count in God's eyes, then what exactly are you accomplishing by telling yourself and your children that you and they are Jews? You are not glorifying God. You are not striking a blow for Yiddishkeit. And you're not raising your kids with a healthy Jewish identity either. It is in every way better to live a life without Torah as a bas Noach, for whom this is entirely permissible, than to take on a Jewish identity only to dismiss everything it is to be a Jew.
3 comments:
Such and interesting post. Let me say up front that I was raised as a Reform Jew, very active in Jewish youth group (an old singing friend of Debbie Friedman's)and then largely un-practising until my kids started Hebrew school. I married a non-Jew, an agnostic raised Christian. While he had no interest in converting, there was no question however about any 1/2 and 1/2 when it came to religion. Our marriage ceremony was Jewish only, our children are raised Jewish only and we joined a Conservatative shul because I wanted my children to have greater grounding and better education in Judaism than I had had. My husband practises nothing. We go to church once a year on Chirstmas eve as we visit with his family then. We have Shabbos dinner every Friday night. But we do not keep kosher or truly keep Shabbos beyond Friday night dinner and shul about half the time on Saturday morning. My son was Bar Mitzvah'd on Saturday. We, even my husband largely, identify as Jews unequivocally. But we also intentionally live a very diverse world. My children attend an inner city charter school that is intentionally diverse racially and economically. That is another value which we hold. Are we not Jewish?
If your mother's Jewish, of course you're Jewish. If you had a kosher geyrus, of course you're Jewish. What I'm talking about are people who aren't born Jewish, have no shaichus to Judaism, don't follow its teachings AND don't value its precepts, self-identifying as Jews. Anyone who says that Reform/Conservative/Reconstructionist/unaffiliated Jews are somehow "not Jewish" need to review their halacha.
Oh, and mazal tov! That's a big milestone, for you as much as for your son
Hey I just stumbled onto your blog. I don't want to insult you, but actually your post revolted me and maybe you should rewiev your reasons for feeling SOO strongly about this unrelated to you non-jewish women. When you say that she should just keep the seven Noachide laws it's actually quite clear that you are sort of condescending on her and consider your own task (ie being a jew) to be much more "interesting" and special. Actually as we both know most of the baalei thuva return to Judaism also because of the mundane laws and the opportunity to lead this special kind of life with Shabbos and Hagim, and not only because of some spiritual search. From what you write it seems to me that you also had this reason and so maybe you are just feeling that your claim on being "special" by being frum is threatened by this woman who is like "disguising" as a jew. I wish you to become more sure of yourself. Really, baalei tshuva advaising goim to keep Noachide laws is a kind of funny sight - sort of "I finally found this stuff which distinguishes me, so at least you a goy don't try to hitch a ride on it too"
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