Me: Okay. Once upon a time there were two kings.
Iyyar: Two GOOD kings!
Me: Two GOOD kings. Who lived in a castle.
Iyyar: With scary animals!
Me: No. Not in the castle. In the moat. The moat is the thing that goes around the castle, and it's full of water so bad guys can't get in.
Iyyar: Bad guys wanna hurt them! And punch them! And kill them!
Me: Yeah, but they can't because of the moat.
Iyyar: Bad guys are really mean!
Me: Will you let me tell the story already! So the moat is full of whales.
Iyyar: And sharks!
Me: No. No sharks. Just whales.
Iyyar: Six whales! A hundred and forty-six whales!
Me: Six orcas. Six sperm whales. Six right whales. And six blue whales.
Iyyar: No humpback whales.
Me: No, they're too big. They wouldn't be happy in the moat.
Iyyar: Right. Just orcas and right whales and killer whales and sharks.
Me: No, no sharks. And orcas are the same thing as killer whales.
Me: Okay, so anyway, there are these two kings...
Iyyar: Two GOOD kings!
Me: Right. Two GOOD kings. And their kingdom, it's very cold.
Me: It just is. It's very cold. It snows a lot.
Me (sitting there knitting socks with some of Cyndy's new sock yarn for my very holy, but not saintly, because she is Jewish and we don't do saints, friend who is getting my marriage license apostilled for me): So the kings feel bad for the people and they want to do something nice for them. So they decide to knit them all socks to keep their feet warm.
Iyyar: Boys don't knit!
Me: Sure they do. Boys knit. Also men can knit. So these kings, they decided to knit socks for all the people in their kingdom. But it was a big kingdom, with a lot of people.
Iyyar: A hundred and forty-six!
Me: At least! Maybe more! Maybe a hundred and forty-six thousand!
Iyyar: Yeah! A hundred and forty six thousand!
Me: And how many feet did each of them have?
Me: So how many socks is that that the kings had to make?
Iyyar: A gotchion!
Me: Right! A really really lot. So they started knitting, but they wanted to make nice socks, so they started with a ball of Trekking and some size 0 double-pointed needles, like I have here [holding up ball of Trekking, nicely divided, sent to me by Cyndy, who can be saintly instead of holy because she isn't Jewish although wait a minute do you have to be Catholic to be a saint yes I think you do and she's probably not Catholic so far as I know so okay, never mind, she's holy too]
Iyyar: Why did they make socks?
Me: To keep everybody's feet warm. But after a couple of days of doing nothing but knitting all the time [pauses dreamily to think about this, then shakes self back to reality] they only had a couple of pairs of socks. Which wasn't enough. So you know what they did?
Iyyar: Got a machine!
Me: No! They didn't! They did something smarter. They taught all the kinderlach in the whole kingdom to knit.
Me: Well first they taught all the morohs. Then they gave all the morohs needles and yarn for all the kinderlach. And then the kinderlach learned how to knit socks. [Pause to fantasize about Torani Waldorf school.] So then
Iyyar: Did the sharks eat them?
Me: No, we're not up to the sharks yet. Just wait. So then, everybody in the whole kingdom had nice warm socks, and also knitting needles. How many needles do you need to make socks [holding up Exhibit A]
Me: Right! And are they pointy on both ends or just one end?
Iyyar: Both ends!
Me: Right! So one day, do you know what happened? There was an attack! An attack of mean giant flying killer sharks! They swooped down out of the sky to attack the kingdom! So what do you think happened?
Iyyar: The killer whales ate them!
Me: No, because the killer whales were in the moat. They couldn't get out. Killer whales can't fly.
Iyyar. They got the army?
Me: No, they didn't have an army.
Iyyar: Why not?
Me: I don't know, they just didn't.
Iyyar: Just the two kings?
Me: Right, just the two kings. So do you know what the people did?
Iyyar, openmouthed: No.
Me: All the people, and all the kinderlach, in the whole kingdom, took their sharp pointy sticks, and they held one in each hand, up like this [demonstrating with needles not currently involved in sock production]. So you know what happened when the mean nasty flying killer sharks landed? They got stabbed! And they died! And so they couldn't invade the kingdom. And not only that, but all the kinderlach had FOUR sharp pointy sticks! So if the shark broke one, they'd have extras!
Iyyar: Three extra!
Me, impressed by mental math: Right! Three extra!
Iyyar: Sharp pointy sticks sticking in the killer sharks!
Me: Right. So they killed all the flying killer sharks, and they were all so happy they learned to knit. So then they went back to knitting all the time, except they had to get some new needles because the ones they used to kill the sharks with were all gross with shark blood.
Iyyar: And some of them got brokened.
Me: Right. And you can't knit with a broken needle. The stitches fall off. Good night.