Ersatzdeutsch

I'm not really a linguist. But by American standards, I know a fair amount in the way of foreign languages--besides my native language (English) I speak pretty good Hungarian, reasonable French and Russian, and once had quite good American Sign Language (rusty now, but still functional in a pinch with a patient deaf person.) I'm not fully fluent in anything but English, not by any stretch--I would never try to work as a translator or anything like that.

On top of the languages I can actually speak, I also took a semester of Mandarin Chinese once, which has come in handy now and then; and I can fake German and Hebrew when required. Meaning, I can buy a bus ticket, ask directions, get what I need in stores and restaurants, carry on simple conversations and be polite. I do not concern myself with the niceties of grammar or syntax--my goal is basic communication of the caveman variety.

It's interesting that getting to that level of Hebrew required about a year of college-level instruction, a fair amount of practice with randomly encountered Israelis, and the informal vocabulary acquisition that accompanies familiarity with the contents of a siddur. Getting to that level of German required, um... almost nothing. I had an hour a week of German tutoring for about two months in 1995. I learned the fundamentals of pronouns, verbs and sentence structure. And I realized that a lot of German is more or less just English with (I'm sorry, Catherine in Hessen!) a really ugly accent.

And thus Ersatzdeutsch was born. Because if you can start out with the rock-bottom basics of German grammar and sentence structure, a 50-word vocabulary, and you sort of Germanize all the English words you don't know how to say, you can get a tremendous amount of mileage out of that, especially if you are talking to someone who at least had a year or two of English in elementary school.

So.

In 1999, I was living in England, doing a bonus master's degree and pondering whether I really wanted to go back to America to finish my doctorate. On a whim, I applied for a job for The Economist based in Austria. To my shock, I was called first for an editing test, then for a phone interview, then for a genuine interview in Vienna--they flew me out there and everything. This all took place over the course of two or three months. At the time, I had an Austrian housemate, with whom I probably would have lived had the job worked out. So I decided to work on my German. I instructed her to only talk to me in German. And she cheerfully complied. We drove our other two housemates nuts, because, well, we were speaking in German ALL THE TIME.

Or at least... She was speaking German. I was speaking Ersatzdeutsch. A typical sentence in Ersatzdeutsch goes like this:

"Gestern ich war so mude. Ich habe nach hause gekommen und in meinem bett downgeplopped."

Or,

"Meine freundin hat dinner gekooked. Es war sehr gut. Wir haben so viel gegessen, und jetzt mussen wir dem kuchen auscleanen."

It works just fine. It's sort of like imitating the Swedish chef, only in lederhosen.

Today I discovered that Ersatzdeutch can, it appears, also work asErsatzdutch. Because look what I found online, at the Shabboth Cooking blog. It's a recipe for gefilte fish. In Dutch. I cannot describe how much I love this... in my mind, I am watching the Swedish chef cook gefilte fish, in blue clogs, while the English subtitles roll across the screen. I love the idea of versnippered onions...

GEFILTE FISH

Benodigd, voor de visballen:
Required, for the fishballs:

Twee pond lichte vis, zowel zee als zoetwater vis.
Two pounds of white fish, both fresh and saltwater.

2 Kleine uien, versnipperd.
2 Small onions, minced very fine.

6 - 7 Eetlepels matzemeel.
6 to 7 Tbs. Matzameal

4 Eieren.
4 Eggs.

1 Eetlepel suiker.
One Tbs. Sugar.

2 Theelepel zout.
2 Tsp. Salt

2 Theelepel peper.
Two Tsp. pepper


Voor de soep:
For the soup:

Vier pond vissenkoppen, graten, en vel.
4 Pounds fishheads, scraps, bones, skin

1 grote peen, geschraapt en gehakt.
A large carrot, cleaned and chopped.

4 stengels selderij, gehakt.
Four stalks of celery, chopped.

2 Kleine uien, gepeld.
Two onions, peeled.

Bereidingswijze:
Preparation:

Hak de vis erg fijn. Meng er doorheen: ui, matzemeel, eieren, suiker, zout en peper.

Chop the fish finely. Mix with the minced onion, matza meal, eggs, sugar, salt, and pepper.

Plaats de vismengsel in een kom en laat in de koelkast 1 uur rusten.

Place the fishmixture in a bowl, and let it rest one hour in the fridge.

Doe alle visresten, met peen, selderij, en ui in een kastrol, giet er genoeg water bij dat alles ruwweg 5 cm onder staat. Breng aan de kook en laat 15 minuten zachtjes (niet borrelend) koken.

Place all fishscrap materials, carrot, celery and the two peeled onions in a cauldron, add enough liguid that it stand under by roughly two inches. Raise to boil and simmer (do not allow to roil) for fifteen minutes.

Met vochtige handen ovalen ballen van het vismengsel vormen.

With damp hands form oval balls of the fishmixture.

Plaats de visballen voorzichtig in de hete vloeistof, bedeksel de pan, en laat de visballen 1 uur of ietwat langer sudderen. Lang garen heeft voordelen voor zowel de smaak als de structuur van de visballen. Let op dat de visbalen helemaal bedekt blijven met vloeistof, daar ze veel vocht opnemen. Voeg indien nodig wat (heet) water toe.

Place the fishballs carefully in the hot liquid, cover with the lid, and simmer for an hour or more. Long poaching improves both the taste and the structure of the fishballs. Check to make sure the balls remain inundated - they take up rather much moisture. If necessary add some (hot) water.

Neem de visballen met een spaan uit de pan en leg ze in een soep schaal.

Remove the fishballs with a slotted spoon from the pan, and place in a tureen.

Zeef het kookvocht, en schenk het over de visballen.

Strain the kooking liquid, and pour over the fishballs.

De gefilte fish is, mits bewaard in het kookvocht, ten minste 3 dagen in de koelkast houdbaar.

Gefilte fish, submerged in cooking liquid, can be kept for at least three days in the refrigerator.

Geef er mierikswortel (chrein) bij.

Serve with horseradish.

Het gerecht mag met de gekookte peen (gesneden of gesnipperd) gegarneerd worden.

The dish may be garnished with the cooked carrot (sliced or minced).

Alzook peterselie.

As well as parsley.