Saturday, March 05, 2011

Insomnia

I can't sleep.

So much on my mind, so much of it unbloggable.

We came here knowing we'd be here for a year, anticipating the possibility of two, and having no plans after that. It was OK at the beginning because a year is a long time and we had a Plan B for year 2. But now we're at a point where it's looking very likely that we'll be here for a second year. Okay, good, fine, we knew that might happen. What is freaking me out is a) not knowing if I, personally, will have a job post August and b) seeing all the people here making plans NOW for what they'll be doing post August. If we stay for a second year, we will at this point next year, be in the same job-seach position, and without backup plans, and that is Scary.

What would make me able to sleep a little better would be some kind of an assurance from my boss that I can keep doing this for another year. The knowledge that at least we will not both be unemployed would help a lot. But until we know what we're doing, it's probably best not to even broach the subject. So far as I know, no one's complained, and that's the important thing. It does, however, make me a little bit insane when it comes to work--I am so paranoid that someone will complain about me (even though, to my knowledge, no one has done this in the last six and a half years) that I am bending over backwards when it isn't even called for and thereby getting even less sleep.

So tired.

Going to try to sleep again now. Wish me luck.

1 comment:

Yasmin said...

Hey, wow, I'm now mysteriously logged in under my "Google Account." Hmmm!

Anyway: yes, take comfort in the fact that working on your reaaalllyyyy long distance commute has been effective so far and nobody has complained, so there really is no solid reason to say that's not the way to continue, right? You're on good terms with your boss and your speakers, you do things on time, you don't come into the office late and steal supplies and spend the day gossiping in other people's cubicles... what's not to like?

At least you do have that plan B and you have the time to look around and set up what comes after. There are no guarantees, of course, ever, but there are possibilities, and once you can get some sleep again you will probably see them more easily. In the meantime, I hope you are getting more sleep again, and if it's not because of external things keeping you awake (wakeful child, loud neighbors) then maybe you should look into some mild sleep aids to reset your own body's clock again and miss those early morning birdsong concerts.